Letter to myself, pre-quarantine

Dear Laura,

Things are about to change. You have been staying very busy and you know you’ve been avoiding checking in with your feelings. That’s no longer going to be an option soon. Embrace it.

You are so concerned with the rest of humanity accessing their intuition that you have forgotten about your Self. Your needs are important. Your wants matter. Your existence is valid.

You feel alone, you felt alone, and you’re going to feel alone. Lean into that. Because you know, at the core of your being, that is not the truth. You know the truth. You know you are not alone. You know you have spirit guides watching over you. You know there is something greater stirring – not just within all of humanity – but in YOU.

STOP TRYING TO BE SO PERFECT.

You are not perfect. But you are here. Let yourself be where you are. Let yourself struggle. And let yourself move through it.

Depression is going to hit. You don’t want it to. You are resisting. You are in denial.

But it’s part of your human experience, and guess what? It’s not an accident. Nothing is.

This is the time for you to rise. This is also the time for you to fall.

Get.

Back.

Up.

Listen to your own words. Find what sets your soul on fire.

You rely on validation from others. You rely on physical interaction. You rely on intimacy and touch and energy.

That’s ok, but it’s not something that will always be readily available. What will be readily available? Your relationship with yourself. Your connection to spirit. Tap into source. Tap into your emotions. There are messages there that you need to hear, even if you find it difficult to translate them.

Let it be. Ground yourself. Go the fuck outside. Ok? Stop isolating. This is not an excuse to hide. This is not a time to wallow in self-pity.

You have a lot to be proud of. A lot to be grateful for. You are sober. Did you read that? YOU ARE SOBER. In another time, you would not have been willing to face this uncertainty without an escape. You are brave. You are doing the best you can.

My advice for you is this: Share your heart. Speak your truth. Embrace the uncertainty. Release control. Find your flow by taking one moment at a time.

You know what you’re doing. You are aware of what brings your energy down and what lifts you up. You are not going to be perfect at coordinating this. You are being a human right now! Stop resisting that.

Part of your role in this time is to relate and connect to what others are experiencing. This is a gift. You are not above this present reality, but you and all of your fellow beings are eternally beyond it.

Don’t be afraid to be positive. Don’t be afraid to be depressed. There is no one right path for you. Just take the next right step. And when you stumble, when you fall, when you notice a misstep, forgive yourself. It’s ok. You are aware. You are noticing. You are here.

YOU ARE ACTUALLY HERE FOR THIS.

One year ago, you wouldn’t have been. Think what a huge accomplishment that is.

Don’t get full of yourself. Don’t beat yourself up, either.

You didn’t do this alone. And you are going to feel so alone. You hate this feeling. You don’t want it to exist. But it does. As you remember and forget, as you rise and fall, as you try and fail, as you ebb and flow – breathe. That’s all you have to do.

Practice conscious living. Connect with others. Make a list of people who make you feel like yourself. Notice the moments you feel most in tune. Notice what makes you love yourself. Do more of that. Connect more with that. Be more of that. You are your highest self, you are connected to source; you are not separate from suffering, nor are you separate from peace. The duality of this world is part of your experience. You are not meant to permanently rise above it – yet.

You will feel the urge to binge eat. You will feel the urge to pick your face. You will feel the urge to reach out to past connections to fill the void. You will not be perfect. But your path is perfect. This is a perfect learning opportunity for you to have a divine experience. Don’t fight it. Stop trying to control everything.

What you can control is moving your body, going outside, and talking. Talk to yourself. Talk to your god. Talk to your friends. Talk to the internet. Talk to the dogs. Talk to the wall. Don’t hold it in.

I love you. I really do. Just as you are. I know you’re afraid of failure, rejection, abandonment, and of not being enough. But you are enough. You are exactly who you are supposed to be. Keep being you. Keep finding your light. Keep experiencing whatever the present moment presents. Be here now. I love you.

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