Funny Feeling

I have this funny feeling

I won’t live very long

It gives me a sense of urgency

Something thick to chew on

I don’t want to leave

Without leaving behind

What I’ve learned

Which is this:

I thrive when I am in therapy

I tend to take myself too seriously

Life is a video game

Life can be fun

Life can feel dreadful

Relationships are hard

My relationship with myself

Is the hardest one

But it doesn’t have to be

When I release the trappings

Of this physical world

When I imagine a life

Without bills and work and pay

I feel free

This life, this world, these debts

Are not me

The gentle breeze

And the whispering trees

Flitter and glitter my soul

Sometimes my biggest job

Is simply to let myself go

Let go of the bullshit I tell myself

Let go of the things I regret

Let go of the times I am mourning

Let go of the loss and distress

Everything I feel really matters

Yet matters not much after all

There’s something inside me that’s fighting

That doesn’t want to be here to fall

I get up

I fall down

I go in

I run out

I am here

I am not

I am queer

My heart rots

My poems make me cry

My skin crawls

My pen dries

This skin is not permanent

This body will fail

This mind has its sickness

That pervades all my thoughts

But beyond these illusions

I strive

I strive to be better than yesterday

I strive to bring light to this world

I strive to help others to find themselves

I strive to be true to myself

I don’t care if my rhymes sound important

I don’t care if anyone reads

What matters to me more than anything

Is simply to be the real me

I lost touch with that person

A few times

I’m still getting to know her today

She might be an it or a they/them

She might be an us, you, or we

She’s fighting inside

Deeper battles

Than what she lets out to fresh air

Her internal troubles are secrets

She grasps and she pulls at her hair

4/8/2020