Funny Feeling

I have this funny feeling
I won’t live very long
It gives me a sense of urgency
Something thick to chew on

I don’t want to leave
Without leaving behind
What I’ve learned
Which is this:

I thrive when I am in therapy
I tend to take myself too seriously
Life is a video game
Life can be fun

Life can feel dreadful
Relationships are hard
My relationship with myself
Is the hardest one
But it doesn’t have to be

When I release the trappings
Of this physical world
When I imagine a life
Without bills and work and pay
I feel free

This life, this world, these debts
Are not me

The gentle breeze
And the whispering trees
Flitter and glitter my soul
Sometimes my biggest job
Is simply to let myself go

Let go of the bullshit I tell myself
Let go of the things I regret
Let go of the times I am mourning
Let go of the loss and distress

Everything I feel really matters
Yet matters not much after all
There’s something inside me that’s fighting
That doesn’t want to be here to fall

I get up
I fall down
I go in
I run out
I am here
I am not
I am queer
My heart rots

My poems make me cry
My skin crawls
My pen dries

This skin is not permanent
This body will fail
This mind has its sickness
That pervades all my thoughts
But beyond these illusions
I strive

I strive to be better than yesterday
I strive to bring light to this world
I strive to help others to find themselves
I strive to be true to myself

I don’t care if my rhymes sound important
I don’t care if anyone reads
What matters to me more than anything
Is simply to be the real me

I lost touch with that person
A few times
I’m still getting to know her today

She might be an it or a they/them
She might be an us, you, or we

She’s fighting inside
Deeper battles
Than what she lets out to fresh air
Her internal troubles are secrets
She grasps and she pulls at her hair



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