Another Love Letter to Myself

CW: mention of suicidal ideation

Dear one,

You are becoming more yourself every day. You are practicing acceptance around your mental health. You aren’t in denial about your depression; you are speaking about it. You are asking for help. You are accepting help. And you are resting when you need it.
 
This is progress.
 
Please don’t doubt yourself or the validity of your life. The pain and darkness that has brought you to this point is also sprinkled with joyful memories and heart-honoring feelings. Life is not good or bad, it’s both.
 
I know you are so overwhelmed with your finances. All the phone calls. All the debt. I know you are afraid to return to work. I know you are afraid to show up authentically.
 
But, dude: YOU ARE DOING IT.
 
Remember when you wrote your suicide letter? Your biggest regret was that you wanted to be open with your sexuality and gender identity. You haven’t always had the words for your experience, but that’s ok. You are learning them. You are hearing and reading and listening to other people’s stories. And you are starting to share a bit of your own. This matters A LOT.
 
You are not the star of the universe. You are not the savior of the world. But you ARE divine light. You have a gold soul. Your life has meaning. Your gifts are your empathy, your art, your writings, your songs.
 
Please don’t hide. Do let yourself rest when you need to.
 
Please don’t lie. Do be gentle with yourself if rigorous honesty doesn’t come naturally 100% of the time.
 
I’m really excited for your journey to continue building safe community. You don’t always feel safe or like you belong, but with your higher power – with others, with your spirit guides, with the resources at hand, with self-acceptance, with source – you can co-create new spaces.
 
You are so brave for going therapy. You are so brave for getting to know yourself. You acted and hid for a long time to survive, and that is really ok. But now you have a new opportunity, one day at time.
 
Again, you are so brave. And you are NOT alone.
 
Things I love about you: Your heart’s desire to create. Your voice. Your relentless pursuit of authenticity. Your willingness to ask for and receive help. You are growing so much in this area; this used to feel unattainable to you, and you are DOING IT.
 
I also love your body. Sometimes (a lot of the time), I tell you the opposite, but I want to manifest a healthier relationship here. What if the universe made you exactly as you are meant to be? What if your journey is leading you to exactly where you are supposed to be? What if your story means something to someone? What if you can feel less alone and make others feel less alone, just by showing up?
 
As I type these words, I know the past few days/weeks/months/years have been really hard. The lows were so low. The fears were so overwhelming. But somehow, some way, in some world (this one, I guess?), you made it to right here, right now.
 
Please don’t hold yourself back. Let yourself be a part of things. Let yourself take positive actions. Let yourself continue to ask for help. You don’t have to have it all together. You don’t have to appear healthy. You don’t have to have a perfect recovery program. You don’t have to be ~~woke~~.
 
There are lies in your head that sound real. That’s ok. Some days they sound quieter. Your struggle to love yourself helps you love other people. You have some experience with this pain.
 
Your pain does not define you, but it has shaped you.
 
As a result of pain, you have taken some seriously badass actions: Leaving your ex. Coming out (x1000). Publishing songs. Sharing your writings. Starting a business, even though you are on sabbatical. Getting sober, again. Allowing source to work through other people by allowing them to help you. Setting and keeping boundaries.
 
I know you have mixed feelings about practicing boundaries with loved ones, but seriously you are so brave for taking space. This has not been easy, but it has kept you alive.
 
I know you don’t always/often want to be alive, but please believe in hope. Being on earth is so hard. But there is love here. There is divinity. There is growth. There is healing. There is learning. You LOVE these things. You love love, you love divinity, you love growth, you love healing, and you love learning.
 
You dream of being with someone, even for the short-term, who accepts you as you are. Someone who doesn’t question your motives or your past or your inner truth. You can absolutely offer this acceptance to others, and the universe will bring it back to you. In fact, I think it already has in some of your healthy friendships today.
 
You are not a failure. You still have a chance. Your life up until this point has mattered. You haven’t made too many mistakes. You have made just enough. You are enough. I know you don’t always believe that, but please keep trying.
 
Please keep trying.
 
It’s ok if you mess up. It’s ok if people get hurt. It’s ok if you get hurt. You will get through it. Plus – if you don’t – you know you aren’t afraid of dying anyway. So there’s nothing to fear! You are not powerful enough to fuck up the planet, but you are loving enough to access higher power and share and receive and channel love in a meaningful way.
 
Keep going. This is not the end, this is a new beginning. The ups and downs will continue. The change will be constant. Your path of self-discovery is infinite. There is no end to your healing. Just let it be.
 
Keep singing. Keep writing. Keep sharing. Keep talking. Keep listening. Keep meditating. Keep being you.
 
You are unfolding and becoming and unbecoming, and I love you. I mean it. Deep down, I do.
 
<3, 

P