Here I sit

Here I sit
Working
At a café
This has been the most
Exhausting
Challenging
Strengthening
Year
Of my entire
Life

Here I sit
Coffee cocktail
Overflowing
With gluttony
And whipped cream
Dripping down the sides
A dash of cocoa
With dashed hopes
With blurred dreams

Here I sit
Resisting my feelings
I really thought
I’d know what I would want
When I got here
But here I sit
And my body/actions/mind
Are telling me
Otherwise

My needs
Are legitimate
And valid
I know I need
Support and love
And I know
Where I can get it
Is not here

I know it’s time to go
I trust my path
But I don’t see what’s next
All I see
Is destruction
And I would rather
Not
Self-destruct
If possible

Here I sit
And I can see
That my addiction
Is fully
Wholly
Absofuckinglutely
Out of control

I am whisper screaming for help
Dropping hints
Ignoring my body
Engaging in shopping addiction
If anyone can read this:
HELP

I know that was real^^
I know I am asking 
For divine guidance

I understand
This might mean
Something ugly
Is about to happen
But I choose
To see my path
As beautiful

Here I sit
Ready for it
Beckoning its call

9/14/2019


[3 days before I went to rehab]

[one hour before my treatment center called me]

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